Fear is a liar, but so is time. The age old saying, “Time heals all wounds,” is a lie. Time isn’t the healer. Time will not ease your pain, dry your tears, bring you comfort, or hear your pleas. The only thing time does—it keeps moving forward, one second at a time—moving you further from the initial moment of your pain.
For anyone who has lost someone they loved, been through trauma, faced a horrible diagnosis, struggled through a miscarriage, or lived the journey of infertility—you know time isn’t the healer. If anything, it’s the thief.
Two years ago today, I got the call that brought me to my knees. After years of infertility, we’d underwent IVF. I’d had my egg retrieval and we had one little Embaby make it to the freezer for genetic testing—just waiting to be transferred. But, the phone call I received, right before an IEP meeting with a parent, teacher, and translator, took all the hope I’d had of carrying our own child away. I answered the call praying for good news only to hear the words, “I’m sorry. You’re embryo wasn’t viable. It was abnormal and we can’t do the transfer. I’ll have the doctor call you.” I hung up numb. Handled my meeting. Then, called my husband and my mom.
No one can prepare you for infertility. No one can prepare you for a failed IVF round. I didn’t even make it to the transfer. So, technically I didn’t have a miscarriage. I’ve never seen two pink lines. I’ve never carried a baby. But, I still lost a precious Embaby. I still wonder what that baby would have been like if he or she would have been “viable.”
Two years ago I threw away the pen. I couldn’t face any more heartbreak. I may have been done, but my God wasn’t. So, here we are two years later waiting on a much different phone call. Instead of wondering what the genetic testing results are—we’re waiting for the, “It’s time” call from our precious Birth Mom. No, I still haven’t seen my own two pink lines and only God knows that plan, but right now He’s got a much bigger chapter playing out in our story. I may not be carrying this baby in my womb, but she has been carried in my heart and prayed over for a very, very long time and we cannot wait to meet her. God has big plans for His daughter and we are so blessed we’ve been chosen to be her parents.
Time isn’t a healer—it’s a liar and a thief. But, my God is the Ultimate Healer and Restorer and His pen is much bigger than mine.
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” -1 Peter 5:10
P.S. If you’re a fellow infertility sister, I’d love to hear your story and add you to my prayer list. Infertility is lonely in a world full of babies so, it’s nice knowing you’re not alone.
P.P.S. The Bible calls us to “pray without ceasing” and I am a firm believer in the power of prayer and surrounding our loved ones in prayer. If you’re in a season of waiting, hurt, fear, or suffering, I’d love to pray for you and put your name on my prayer list. You can never have too much prayer or too many people praying!