There are times in this life that you feel as though you are climbing out of your valley and you can see the sun peeking out from behind the clouds. Days when the top of the mountain feels like you could just reach out and touch it. You’ve almost made it to the peak.
Then there are those times that one phone call, one single word can send you crashing back into the darkness of the valley. That was yesterday. The phone call I got, the word I heard—abnormal. Abnormal–the absence of normal. That single word shattered my heart and left me in tears on my knees. Our one precious embaby was abnormal. Not viable. Not transferable. This cycle is finished.
When you’re in the midst of infertility your two-week wait looks different depending on your treatment. We had our egg retrieval on the 8th. Then, we sat on pins and needles to see how many of our precious embabies would grow. Wait and pray. By Day 5, we had 1. 1 out of 15 that made it. 1 precious embaby in the freezer. We had prayed more would make it. We had hoped for at least two, but the Lord has a plan and we had 1 precious fighter. After the big freeze comes more waiting. Waiting for the biopsy. Praying for normal. Praying for healthy. Waiting and praying. Praying and waiting.
Then, when you finally get the results. It’s not at all what you were praying for. Abnormal. Infertility takes all the normalcy from your life. The mere fact that you have been branded as “infertile” is abnormal in itself. Infertility leaves you bruised and broken. It leaves your heart shattered into pieces. Infertility leaves you in the dark. But, it is in those dark places that God grows us. It’s in the darkness that His light shines brighter than the sun. You see, I’m not the only one who has been in the dark. And, you aren’t the only one who has been in the dark. Even though it feels that we may not see the light any time soon or ever again, His light can burn through our darkness. Our Father can still bless us even in the darkest of days.
Sarah’s faith was so little she sent her husband, Abraham, to bed with another woman, yet she would still become the mother of many nations.
Hannah was so desperately praying in her darkness that Eli thought she was drunk. But, the Lord knew her prayer and would bless her with a son.
Esther was an orphan, but God would use her to save Israel.
Ruth was told by her own mother-in-law to return home to her own people, but God would spare her and Naomi.
Elijah was so depressed he wanted to die, but God would lift him up to be a hero of our faith.
David had an affair with a married woman and had her husband killed, yet the Bible tells us he was a man after God’s heart.
Job was blameless and upright, yet he lost everything. In his darkness, he cried out to the Lord and accused him of not listening. But, God restored him and all that he had lost.
Even our Father’s only Son cried out, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” But, we know how the story ends. We know the power of the Resurrection. We know the story wasn’t finished. And, we know there was light to come in 3 days.
You see, the Bible teaches us that person after person has endured darkness. We’re not walking a life that is free of burden. Our faith does not protect us from trials. It does not keep us from feeling pain. It does not protect our heart from heartache. The Lord said,
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” –John 16:33
But, what does our faith offer? Our faith offers a hope for the future. Hope that this isn’t the end of our journey. That even though this chapter has closed, and the last sentence was not the sentence I had prayed for, that there is still hope for the next chapter. And, it gives us faith in knowing that our story is not finished. The dark places that we are walking through are just stepping-stones towards the fullness of our destiny. Our Author is still writing our story. He is still lighting our path. We have a promise of a future as long as our faith is secure in Him.
“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,” –2 Corinthians 4:17
And, though these days seem dark now His light will lead us through.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”—John 1:5
P.S. If you’re a fellow infertility sister, I’d love to hear your story and add you to my prayer list. Infertility is lonely in a world full of babies so, it’s nice knowing you’re not alone.
P.P.S. If you’re in the midst of the darkness or you’re waiting for your miracle, whatever it may be, I’d love to hear from you and you to my prayer list, too.