Today is my 33rd birthday. The 6th birthday I will be celebrating without the one gift I have been praying earnestly for each and every day.
Last Wednesday, we celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. The 6th anniversary we celebrated without a baby.
Of all the birthdays and anniversaries that have come and gone, this one is the toughest. We entered 2018 with such high hopes that IVF would be the answer. But, God said wait. IVF wasn’t our answer. I just knew that I’d have a little embryo picture to share this birthday. That an embryo transfer would’ve taken place and we’d have our first family photo. But, I don’t. Those precious embryos didn’t make it.
The wait is where he draws us nearer—where we learn strength we never knew we had. Where even through a broken heart, we are filled with compassion and love. Where even in the midst of soul crushing disappointment, we can find joy. And, where hope will continue to live.
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,”. —Romans 5:3-4
I don’t know why my womb has been closed. Nor do I know if it will ever be opened. My precious 7 year old niece asked me just last week why all the teachers at school have kids and I don’t. Explaining infertility to a 7 year old was not what I had in mind that day. So, my answer was simple-God hasn’t given me a baby yet. And, her response couldn’t have been more perfect—“Mimi, I think God is still making you the perfect baby.” Out of her mouth came just what I’ve been told—wait.
So, this birthday is another reminder of “the wait.” But, in the wait I pray for grace and guidance and lean on hope that my sweet 7 year old niece is right—that God is still making my perfect birthday gift.
“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning,more than watchmen for the morning.” —Psalms 130:5-6
P.S. If you’re a fellow infertility sister, I’d love to hear your story and add you to my prayer list. Infertility is lonely in a world full of babies so, it’s nice knowing you’re not alone.
P.P.S. If you’re in the midst of a wait, I’d love to hear from you and add you to my prayer list, too.