I’ve tried really hard to be good this year, but 2018 has been rough. If I’m honest-it’s probably, no it definitely has been, the roughest year of our marriage. It’s been full of insurmountable highs and devastating lows. But, you know that word I declared at the beginning of last year—hope—I’ve clung to it all year.
Through two more failed IUIs. Through countless more medicated cycles. Through our failed IVF cycle. And, being told our one last embryo wasn’t viable. I’ve clung to hope. You see, Santa, I’ve tried really hard to be good, to hold on to the hope, to keep my faith, stay the course, be diligent in prayer, to endure the wait. But, Santa it’s tough. It’s tough to keep holdings to hope.
Infertility sucks. Sorry, Santa, but it does. And, each year is another reminder of the gift I haven’t received. It’s another reminder of the absence of an added stocking. A reminder of presents not purchased. A reminder that, yet again, there’s still no bundle of joy or the pitter patter of little feet on Christmas morning.
So, Santa, I really am sorry, but seeing you doesn’t feel my heart with hope. It compounds the loss, it casts light on what my heart longs for, and leaves my arms aching. Santa, if you ask-I’ve tried really hard to be good, but when it comes to the Christmas gift I dream of-no amount of goodness matters. The gift I wish for can’t be bought. But, Santa, if you can please say a Christmas prayer for us—a prayer that next year will be our year of celebration and we’ll finally see sweet baby smiles and hear those precious baby giggles. Santa, I promise to keep being good. Until then, I’ll continue to cling to hope.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; —Psalm 130:5
And, Santa, maybe next year…
P.S. If you’re a fellow infertility sister, I’d love to hear your story and add you to my prayer list. Infertility is lonely in a world full of babies so, it’s nice knowing you’re not alone–especially this time of year.
P.P.S. If you’re struggling this Christmas season, I’d love to pray for you. Whether you’re heart is longing, troubled, or hurting you’re not alone.