My senior year of high school is not one I ever wish to relive. Yes, there are good parts, but the majority is better left in the past. You’re probably thinking I had a case of severe senioritis, but that’s far from the truth. You see, at 17 I was engaged to the one boy who I loved more than anything. We had a rocky relationship, but I loved him and he was the one who I wanted to spend my life with. But, that all changed on October 14th. At 17, I buried my first love and the dreams we had. A truck wreck took him away from me. The last words I spoke to him three days before, “I can’t do this anymore.”
Guilt and sadness flooded my soul. Even as a child and teenager I had a deep rooted faith in God, but going through losing your best friend and first love-I was not prepared-no one is ever prepared for loss. My faith was shaken to the core. I was reckless and drifting farther and farther away. I felt abandoned and alone. I didn’t know how to pray anymore. And, all I wanted to do was forget because in my naive brain I thought forgetting would stop the pain of losing him.
Then, after several months, I got the best advice as I sat on the floor of the Old Gym during cheer practice. My cheer coach looked at me and said, “It’s okay to be mad at God. He can handle it.” And, something broke. Yeah, I questioned Him-asked why. I was sad and cried more tears than I knew I had. But, really she saw me better than anyone. I was angry and hurt. And, it was after she opened my eyes that my heart began to heal.
I know you’re struggling. The doctor’s report didn’t give you the answers you wanted to hear, you’ve lost your mom, dad, husband, wife, child, grandparent, or best friend, you’re struggling financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, your life is not how you intended, or like me your facing infertility. The why’s circling around in your heart. The emotions so tumultuous and changing-it’s like white water rafting. But, dear friend, in the words of a very wise woman, “God can handle it.”
You see, dear friend, God wants all of our emotions. Not just the happy, faith filled, always smiling, fake it till you make it you. He wants the brokenness, the tired, the lonely, the abandoned, the hurting, the angry you. He wants it all. He wants you. And, He can handle whatever you give Him. Don’t hold onto it-give it away. Let Him put your pieces back together. Let Him heal your wounds and mend your heart.
What are you struggling with today? My prayer is that you lay it all down at His feet. Give your burdens to the One who can handle them. Find peace in His healing. And, trust that even though His answer may not be the one your heart longs for, He sees it all and His plan is perfect.
P.S. Thank you to the best cheer coach a girl could ask for-you know who you are. You put up with me for six long years. You shaped my life more than you will ever know. You encouraged, disciplined, spoke hope, and counseled. I know you went to bed with prayers on your heart for all of us girls. We felt them. And, because of you, I came to know it was okay to be mad at God once in a while, as long as I gave it all to Him and kept moving forward in His love and drawing closer to Him-not pulling away from Him. I can never thank you enough ❤️
P.P.S. If you’re a fellow infertility sister, I’d love to hear your story and add you to my prayer list. Infertility is lonely in a world full of babies so, it’s nice knowing you’re not alone.
P. P.P.S. Whatever season you are facing, whether it’s full of sadness, anger, bitterness, guilt, or remorse, God can handle it. I’d love to hear from you and add you to my prayer list, too.