My two week wait ended Saturday. Not with a positive pregnancy test, but with the unwelcome, dreaded Day 1. Two weeks exactly from my third IUI, I woke up knowing there wasn’t even a need to waste my time with a test. My body failed me, again. You see, infertility sucks. It leaves you with a turmoil of emotions that puts you on this horrible roller coaster. Infertility is like going through the five stages of grief every. single. month.
No, that’s not really PMS. Implantation can cause cramping, too, right? It’s just pregnancy symptoms! Nope, just kidding, you’re not pregnant. It’s your monthly reminder that you’re not pregnant.
Are you freaking kidding me? Why won’t you work? You have one job each month, produce eggs and grow a baby. Why can’t you do that? Oh, that’s right, you don’t work.
Please, please, please work. All I want is a precious bundle of joy. Boy, girl, it doesn’t matter just a healthy bouncing baby. Lord, I will do ANYTHING for a baby. What do I have to do?
Why? Why can’t my body create life? Why does my body fail me each month? Am I not good enough? Will I not be a good mom? What’s wrong with me?
And, it’s then that you pick yourself up off the floor, wipe your tears, and try again because what else is there to do? This cycle was another failure, but I’m not a failure and in the right time my body will work. I have faith that my body will work.
I said it before and I’ll say it again, infertility sucks. It’s a bone crushing loss that you repeat every month. Infertility, I hate everything about that word. When I got married eight years ago, I never thought fertility was something I’d have to worry about. I never dreamed I’d be labeled as infertile. You know what word comes up in my auto text next to the word infertility? It’s the word inferior. That’s how infertility leaves you feeling-inferior, not good enough, a disappointment, a failure. That’s the real side of infertility. The other side? Well, that’s the face you show the world-the smiles, laughs, the everything is okay and we’re going to keep trying.
So, as one cycle ends and another opens, we’re back on our roller coaster. Praying that this cycle will be the one where my body finally decides to do what it was created to do.
P.S. If you’re a fellow infertility sister, I’d love to hear your story and add you to my prayer list. Infertility is lonely in world full of babies so, it’s nice knowing you’re not alone.