Do you remember me? I used to mail you letters to the North Pole each Christmas. My list was full of things like stuffed animals, baby dolls, books, and more. Well, it’s been many, many years since I’ve written to you, but you see I still have a Christmas wish. This year my Christmas list looks the same as it did last year, and the year before, and the year before that. No changes. No alterations. Just the same thing that it’s been for the past four Christmases, and somehow, I still haven’t unwrapped the present that means the most.
My heart still has this aching hole waiting to be filled. But, you see no amount of pretty packages will fill this hole. How is it that your heart can long for someone you’ve never met? How can your soul break each month when yet again it’s not your time? So, dear Santa the present I desire isn’t one you can bring at all. It’s the most precious gift of all.
With the passing of each Christmas, I keep telling myself next year will be different. Next year, I’ll get to hold my bouncing bundle of joy. Next year, I’ll get to shop for Christmas presents for my own baby instead of just filling my cart with presents for my nieces and nephews. Next year, I’ll get to hang another stocking next to mine, the hubby’s, and the fur baby’s. Next year…
I’ve walked the aisles of Christmas decorations and with silent tears passed all the “Baby’s First Christmas” items wondering if I’d ever get the chance to have a reason to buy the cute little pink or blue stocking. Maybe next year. And, with each year that comes my heart breaks a little more. Now, as my 5th Christmas is coming closer, I’m two days into my two-week wait. And, my Christmas wish is still the same. No there won’t be a sweet little baby for me to snuggle with on Christmas morning, no new stocking, no extra presents under the tree, but if I could just get those two pretty pink lines then, that’ll be perfect!
So, dear Santa, can you bring me the best gift of all…next year
P.S. If you’re a fellow infertility sister, I’d love to hear your story and add you to my prayer list. Infertility is lonely in a world full of babies so, it’s nice knowing you’re not alone.