Yes, His timing is perfect. His ways are higher than my ways. He sees the forest where I can’t see past the trees. Today was another one of “those” days in the infertility journey. After so many years of seeing a BFN you’d think it would get easier. But, it doesn’t.
Year, after year, after year. There’s a numbness that sets in. The realization that your taking another test, but you know in your heart this still isn’t the month. This wait will end like all the others before it. You know it’s just not your time.
And, then your mind drifts to that place. The place you try to stay away from. The place where questioning happens. Not a loss of faith. But, a place of questioning and a little doubt that you know in your heart that there is no room for in this life. But, yet the questions come before you realize they’re still there…
- When will it ever be my turn?
- Why hasn’t it happened yet?
- Why must I wait when others don’t have to?
- Why does she get a baby and I don’t?
- Am I not good enough?
- What have I done to deserve this?
- Have I brought this on myself?
- Will I not be good enough?
- Would I not be a good mother?
- And, the worst of them all- Lord, is it not your will that I be a mother?
But, those questions do nothing for my faith. They minimize God’s power. Those questions feed my doubts and diminish God’s glory. If we let those doubts take root, then they will grow vines and overtake our faith.
“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he” -Proverbs 23:7 (NLV)
Infertility is hard. It leaves a hole in your heart that you’re not sure will ever be filled. It leaves you so in love with someone that you’ve never even met–a sweet, precious someone who only lives in your heart and the arms of Jesus. So, while I wait for God’s perfect timing I hold fast to His promise.
“None shall miscarry or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days.” -Exodus 23:26
I push those doubts down. I leave those questions unanswered. I pick myself up off the floor. I move forward with faith, hope, and a promise I know in my heart will be fulfilled. Maybe not in my way, but definitely in God’s way.
And, while I stand in faith that my day is drawing nearer I know I’m in good company. I’m not alone. Sarah, Abimelech’s wife, Rebekah, Rachel, Manoah’s wife, Hannah, Michal, the Shunamite woman, and Elizabeth all endured and walked the journey I am walking.
Yes, infertility is hard. But, it’s not impossible. And, it’s not bigger than my God.
P.S. If you’re a fellow infertility sister, I’d love to hear your story and add you to my prayer list. Infertility is lonely in a world full of babies so, it’s nice knowing you’re not alone.
P.P.S. If you’re in the midst of a season of wait, hurt, hope, or promise, I’d love to hear from you and add you to my prayer list, too.