Yes, I’m selfish, but it’s okay…

I haven’t written a blog post since March 21st. I haven’t posted or shared to my blog account on Facebook since April 22nd. My last blog account post on Instagram-April 12th. Why am I telling you this? Well, I’m selfish and it’s not so much for you, as for me. It’s to show me how long I’ve gone without putting my thoughts down. Basically, too long.

You see, this blog is more than just my rambling thoughts-it’s therapeutic-cathartic. And, with each word, each tear, each thought I feel a little bit of my emotions release. Like I said, I’m selfish. This blog is about me-for me. But, the reality is that release I feel-it’s not just a release of emotions-it’s the relinquishment of the power those emotions have over me. It’s loosening the bindings of this earthly vessel to the One who is able to heal-not just those physical hurts, but the spiritual hurts that we all keep buried. The hurts that we bury so deep we hope no one else will see. The place where we also hide our deepest prayers and hopes. Those we don’t dare to speak aloud because of the “what ifs?” That surround them.

But, I haven’t written. For 103 days, I’ve ignored the thought of writing. I’ve pushed my thoughts aside-or tried to. I’ve wrestled with emotions. I’ve struggled. I let feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and anxiety take seed and what grew in their place? Definitely, not my writing. And, definitely not my faith. Those little thoughts-

“Why bother?”

Because, there is a purpose to your story.

“It doesn’t matter.”

You matter to God.

“Who even wants to read another blog about infertility?”

What about the hearts that have already poured their stories out to you? The ones you pray for daily?

“There’s already millions of blogs out there.”

Yes, but they’re not you.

“Where is this blog taking me?”

You should be asking-where is God taking me?

One by one they crept in and the roots dug deeper and deeper. The questions grew into weeds and tried to choke the answers out. But, what does a good gardener do when weeds take over? They don’t throw up their hands and give the garden back to the Earth. No, they get down on their hands and knees and they start pulling and they don’t just pluck up the stems-they grab hold and they pull the roots.

You see, what I realized today was something I already knew. I am selfish. But, that’s okay. Because in my selfishness I put words on paper, words that bare my soul and open my heart wide open. My selfish need to write, even if it’s never read by anyone else, ignites my faith and fuels my desire to seek after the One true healer. The One who doesn’t mask the hurt, the pain, the fears, the feelings, but takes it all away and bares it all as His own. The One who can make a beautiful garden out of the most desolate ruins.

So, today I’m writing again. For the first time in 103 days. And, if you’re reading this my question for you is-what are you hiding from? What are you pushing aside-burying? Come out of the shadows and turn your garden over to the Master Gardener. Let Him pull your weeds and sow seeds of faith in their place. Let Him fertilize your spirit. Let Him water your soul. Let him be the sun that drives away the clouds. Be selfish for God-whether in writing, prayer, study, or quiet time with Him-just be selfish.

“For the LORD comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song.” -Isaiah 51:3

Blessings,

P.S. If you’re a fellow infertility sister, I’d love to hear your story and add you to my prayer list. Infertility is lonely in a world full of babies so, it’s nice knowing you’re not alone.

P.P.S. If you’re garden is overrun with weeds, your flowers and plants have all dried up, and it feels like there are no seeds left to sow, I’d love to hear from you and add you to my prayer list, too. All of our gardens need extra prayer and tending now and again.